The Collaboration Code: Why People aren't difficult; just different
- Caroline Esterson
- Nov 10
- 5 min read
How to stop sanding down your edges and start turning friction into fuel.
We all say we value difference. We put it on posters, sprinkle it in strategy decks, and nod sagely when someone says, “We need more diversity of thought.”
But let’s be real, the minute that diversity actually shows up in a meeting, things get… awkward. You know the look. Someone drops a challenging question - maybe a “why are we doing it this way?” and suddenly the energy shifts. There’s polite laughter, some throat-clearing, maybe a quick, “Let’s take that offline.” It’s what I call the corporate cringe moment - when our stated values of inclusion collide headfirst with our unspoken addiction to comfort.
And comfort is the enemy of progress.
The Real Problem: Inclusion Without Assimilation
We talk about inclusion as if it’s a warm hug. But inclusion without assimilation - that’s the real test because real inclusion doesn’t mean everyone blends in. It means we make space for people who challenge, stretch, and sometimes downright irritate us; and we still listen.
It means understanding that people who question “how things are done around here” aren’t troublemakers, they’re the early warning system for stagnation.
The mavericks.
The misfits.
The ones who can’t help thinking out loud, connecting dots no one else sees, and occasionally setting off metaphorical fire alarms just to prove the system still works.
And I get it, I’ve been that person.
For years, I thought I was the problem. I was told (kindly, of course) to be “less intense,” “more strategic,” or my personal favourite, “just let others catch up.” It was always delivered with a smile and an unspoken subtext: tone it down. But here’s the truth I’ve learned the long way round: You can’t light up a room if you’re constantly dimming your own bulb.
The Culture of Sameness
Let’s talk about what’s really going on.
Most organisations say they want innovation, but they design for predictability. They hire for diversity, but they reward conformity.
That’s a culture of sameness.
It’s polite. It’s predictable. And it’s death by a thousand alignment meetings.
In these environments, collaboration becomes choreography - well-rehearsed, well-meaning, and completely devoid of surprise.
Everyone’s nodding. No one’s thinking. The coffee’s warm, the ideas are safe, and innovation is somewhere outside, screaming to be let in.
And the cost is that you lose out on individual thinking - the people who could have changed everything if the room had just made a little more space. Because when difference isn’t understood, it gets labelled as “difficult.” And once someone’s been given that label, they start to shrink. They contribute less. They second-guess. Eventually, they leave.
And here’s the kicker: research backs this up. According to Deloitte’s Global Human Capital Trends research (referenced in HBR discussions), employees who see themselves as constructive disruptors are nearly twice as likely to leave when their ideas are dismissed or ignored. In other words, if you shut down your mavericks, they don’t get quieter. They go somewhere else.
That’s not attrition, that’s untapped potential walking out the door.
The Collaboration Code: What Great Teams Get Right
Now, let’s flip it.
The teams that crack the code of collaboration- you can spot them instantly.
They don’t look polished; they look alive.
The analyst is sketching next to the designer.
The introvert suddenly leans forward mid-meeting with a quiet, “Hang on, what if we flipped it?”
There’s laughter, respectful challenge, and that addictive sense of “we’re building something here.”
No one’s trying to win. They’re trying to solve.
And that’s the real secret of collaboration - it’s not about being nice. It’s about being clear without fear. It’s not endless harmony - it’s productive friction. The ability to disagree brilliantly.
According to research from Deloitte and MIT, teams with high psychological safety and managed diversity are 2.5 times more likely to be innovative. Not because they avoid conflict but because they know how to use it.
The Neuroscience Bit (Don’t Worry, It’s Short)
Here’s where the science gets juicy.
When people feel attacked or ignored, their brains trigger a threat response - that little almond-shaped part called the amygdala fires up and hijacks logic. So even if you’re right, even if your idea is brilliant, they literally can’t hear you.
But when they feel safe, a different part of the brain activates - the prefrontal cortex, where creativity, reasoning, and innovation live.
So the louder you get, the less they listen. And the quieter and more intentional you become, the more they engage.
That’s why collaboration isn’t a volume game; it’s a translation game.
Translate Your Brilliance
Being a maverick isn’t about refusing to compromise, it’s about learning to communicate your ideas in a way people can use.
You can be original and understandable. That’s not selling out; that’s strategy.
It’s the difference between saying:
“This process is broken - we need to start again.”
and saying:
“If we streamlined this step, we could save the team three hours a week.”
Same idea. Different delivery.
One gets shut down. The other gets approved.
That’s the art of translation — it’s what turns sparks into action.
People Aren’t Difficult; Just Different
We have a saying that’s on the wall in every single workshop we run:
“People aren’t difficult; they’re just different.”
And honestly, that simple mindset shift can change everything. Because the moment you stop seeing difference as a threat, you start seeing it as data. Every clash, every frustration, every “why are they like that?” becomes a clue.
The colleague who never speaks up - maybe they process before they speak.
The one who jumps straight into solutions- maybe that’s how they feel safe; by fixing.
The one who challenges everything well maybe they’re just wired for risk-awareness.
When you stop expecting everyone to think like you, the workplace stops being a battlefield and starts being a lab.
So What Can You Do?
If you lead a team (or even if you just work in one) here’s where you start.
Ask Better Questions.
Next time you feel friction, pause before reacting. Ask:
“What’s the perspective behind this?” You’ll be amazed at what happens when you get curious instead of defensive.
Name the Friction.
Don’t dance around it. Say:
“We’re seeing this differently; that’s good. Let’s use it.” Normalising difference turns tension into teamwork.
Translate, Don’t Tame.
You don’t have to tone yourself down to be effective — you just have to frame your ideas in a way others can act on. Ask: “What’s the one outcome I want them to remember?”
Spot the Lone Wolves.
Every organisation has them - the brilliant outliers who’ve stopped sharing because they’ve been burned before. Seek them out. Ask their opinion. Make it safe to care again.
Celebrate Productive Conflict.
Instead of rewarding compliance, reward courage. Make it normal for people to say, “I disagree, but I’m listening.”
For Leaders: Stop Saying “They’re Not a Team Player.”
Please. If I could ban one phrase from the corporate vocabulary, it would be that one.
It’s lazy. It’s outdated. And it usually means, “They make me uncomfortable.”
Instead, ask:
“Have I built a team that values challenge, or just compliance?”
Because let’s be honest — if your culture punishes difference, you don’t have a collaboration problem, you have a courage problem.
The Real Goal: Fit, Without Flattening
I’ve spent years working with people who feel like round pegs in square holes. People who’ve been told to “tone it down,” “play the game,” or “fit in before they stand out.” And my message to them (and maybe to you) is this: You can belong without blending in.
True inclusion isn’t about sanding down your edges — it’s about finding the people who know how to work with them. Because your edges, they’re the reason you sparkle.
So if you take one thing from this, let it be this: Stop apologising for being wired differently. Start learning how to translate your difference into something others can use.
That’s the Collaboration Code.
It’s not harmony.
It’s healthy friction.
It’s where innovation lives.
And once you’ve experienced it, you’ll never go back.
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